Goodbyes Stink!

Wow, what a whirlwind this last few weeks has been. There was so much excitement buzzing around our house not long ago as we prepared for hubby/daddy to come home for Christmas. He arrived a week before Christmas, exhausted beyond belief, but determined to spend as much time with us as he could. Our first several evenings were spent with him trying his hardest to stay awake!   He adjusted faster than expected and our next week and a half were fantastic.  Christmas was amazing and we enjoyed every minute of him being home. 

He left this morning and it was the hardest goodbye to date. It's his 4th deployment and you'd think we'd be used to it, but that isn't (and will never be) the case.   To make matters worse, this is our longest deployment to date (1 full year)  And to have already survived 5 1/2 months (what seemed like forever)  and to finally get him back and then  to have to around and let him go again was awful. I had predicted my daughter would take it the hardest because she took the first goodbye the hardest, but this time is was my son that had a hard time. I cannot even describe the agony I felt having to watch him go through that pain this morning. But I guess he needed to let it out (as we all do) and he seems to be doing a lot better this evening.

On a lighter note, we got the opportunity to have some family photos done (free of charge) while my hubby was here thanks to an organization called Operation Love Reunited and a photographer named Angela Wilkes who participates. It was a great experience and I can't wait to see the photos (trying to wait patiently as I still have not seen them) A local news crew did a story about Operation Love Reunited during our photo shoot, here's the link to the story:
http://www.kfor.com//videogallery/67057996/News/Operation-Love#pl-62885633

Wow, I'm really not doing a great job at keeping up my blog. I guess I started this blog originally to help keep my sanity during this deployment and to have an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings. Writing is therapy for me sometimes. When I started this blog, I wasn't working and wasn't planning on working anytime soon...until this job opportunity sort-of fell into my lap and then all the pieces fell perfectly into place like it was meant to be. I'm loving my job, but it keeps me pretty busy, so the blog has taken a backseat. But I will be here from time to time and hopefully not go too long between posts.

So anyway...

On a day to day basis, I have to say, I think I do pretty well. I try to remain upbeat and positive, stay busy & active, and just be that backbone that my kids need me to be. But this afternoon...well, sometimes the reality of how much I miss my husband just hits me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. I thought I was going to have a meltdown right there on the treadmill at the gym. Really strange place & time, I know. I think sometimes I try to be too strong and take on too much (if that's possible) and my emotions just have a mind of their own and are hard to control (maybe because I've ignored some of the ones that I don't want to feel for too long). But after several deep breaths and a reminding myself that I will be seeing my man in a little over 2 weeks, I was able to calm down and not have a meltdown...thank goodness! Yep...you heard correctly...my hubby gets a "mid-tour" break or "R&R" as some call it. He gets 2 weeks and thankfully during our Christmas break. This couldn't come at a better time as I feel like I'm going to "lose it" more and more lately. It will be so nice to have him home for Christmas. The kids and I have missed him very much and cannot wait to see him!

Sounds Like Life to Me

I haven't been here in a while. Things have been overwhelming lately, to say the least. This is my 4th week at my new job and I'm still getting used to working full time while also: taking care of 2 children and a dog, having gymnastics twice a week and football 4 times a week, all the while trying to fit in quality time, homework, a healthy dinner, grocery shopping, errands, laundry and household chores (while my hubby is clear across the world for a year). Not to mention the added things that he used to take care of: adding salt to water softener, yardwork, oil changes, checking tire pressure, changing air filters, household repairs, changing batteries in smoke alarms when they go off at 3AM and killing spiders (yes! I had to throw this one in because I killed one today that was the size of a small dog).

But that's all minor stuff...yes, minor stuff. It's been even more difficult with my mom getting really sick recently and being hospitalized and not being able to be there for her the way I wished I could. Then last weekend, a very close elderly neighbor fell in the street after he had been over to visit with the kids and I (he checks on us often because he knows my husband is gone...he is retired Air Force). It was very tramatic for my kids to see. He is okay now. He had a very scratched up face, cracked his dentures and broke some ribs, but he is going to be fine. He lives alone, however, and doesn't have any family in this state, so I took care of him this weekend (and several other wonderful neighbors have also looked in on him and brought him food).

Today was a particularly difficult day, they had "Donuts with Dads" this morning at school. Since I work there, we arrived early. I hadn't even mentioned it to the kids, but when we arrived, Kobe realized it was going on and asked to go get a donut. I walked the kids out into the sea of dads with their kiddos and we picked out our donut and went back inside to the office to eat them. The kids didn't say much except they wished dad was there, but then tonight as we were getting ready for bed Kayley looked at me and said she felt very sad this morning when daddy was not with her, then she broke out into uncontrollable sobs. This is by far the most emotion I've seen from her since her dad left. Nothing is worse than holding your sobbing child and knowing how bad they are hurting and not being able to do anything about it. But I know it did some good for her to let it out and she felt better afterwards. We read a book and she was laughing when I tucked her in for the night.

These are all things I've struggled with lately. The beauty of all of this is that God knows my struggles and He always finds a way to let me know He is there. I know it wasn't random that I came across this quote today: "Sometimes God calms the storm...sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child" And boy did I need calming today. Not sure my storm will slow down anytime soon, but I do know that God can calm me in the midst of it.

Not long after I saw the quote I had to swing by the chiropractor (oh yeah, add back and neck pain into the mix of what I'm dealing with at the moment) I've seen her every Thursday for the past month and I always go straight in with no waiting. Today I found myself having to wait. I picked my seat and there just happened to be a "Book of Prayer" on the table beside it. I picked it up and opened to a random page in the over 300+ page book and it just so happened to be a prayer about blessing and praying for those who hurt you. And being able to let God's love shine through you. As I read through the 4 paragraphs I soon realized coming across this book and reading this prayer was not random. God used it to speak to me and to let me know that I cannot control anything that others do, but I can control MY reaction and the way that I respond. I can choose to get upset, angry and frustrated or I can choose to pray for those people and realize that they might just be going through a hard time themselves and that's why they are acting the way that they are. I can chose to let God's love shine through me or be bitter and angry and be a reflection of what a Christian should not be.

And as I have already mentioned in several posts before this one: I have a lot to be thankful for. Yes, I'm busy, yes, my husband is away now and the kids and I are missing him terribly, yes, I have to deal with difficult people sometimes, yes, my friends and family get sick, yes, the house gets messy and things break, but that's life.

I need to focus on my blessings. When my kids are fighting, being naughty or messy or loud...I need to remember that God blessed me with these kids. A parent who has lost a child would probably give anything to hear their loud, naughty, messy child just one more time. When my house is messy, it means I have a roof over my head and a family who lives there. Dirty dishes mean we have food. Dirty laundry means we have clothes. Grass to mow means we have gotten rain. Having to get the oil changed in the car means I have a car. Taking care of a neighbor means God has not only blessed me with their friendship, but has allowed me to be a blessing to them. With everything that we can find to complain about, there is a blessing if we choose to see it. I'm sure I could find 100 things to complain about on a daily basis, but what good is that going to do? I can't help but think about Darryl Worley's song to sum up this post:

I haven't had much time to blog. I got the job I was talking about in my previous post...Secretary at the elementary my kids go to. I started last week and my first week was crazy busy. I really think I'm going to love it. It has been a lot to learn in a very short amount of time, but I'm catching on!

My evenings seem to be more chaotic, with gymnastics, football practices and games and trying to fit in some workouts for myself during the week. It seems by the time we've eaten and settled down, it is bedtime and then we get up and do it all over again. It makes time go by fast as well, which is bitter sweet. On one hand, I want it to go fast so that I can be that much closer to seeing my husband next year. On the other hand, I don't want to miss anything in my kid's life and want to cherish every moment at this stage of their lives. They grow up way too fast and when they are grown, I know I'll be wishing I could go back in time. It's crazy how your emotions can be pulled in two different directions.

On top of all that, my mother was admitted to the hospital 4 days ago and we are not sure when she is getting out. Everyday they say 2 more days, and those days pass and then they say two more. She was sick and went to a doctor's appointment and during the waiting process, she developed a very rapid heartbeat and they could not find a blood pressure, so she was rushed to the ER. They discovered she had pneumonia and wasn't sure if the rapid heart rate was related to that or a seperate issue. As she has started to recover from the pneumonia, they did further tests and discovered that the heart issue was indeed seperate and she will now have to take meds for that. They also want to do a test tommorrow to see if she has a hole in her heart. It's very difficult to not be there with her during this time.

Praying that her tests tomorrow come back bearing good news!

Busy, busy, busy

What can I say except life has been pretty crazy busy lately. With school starting, football practices (and now games starting), gymnastics and trying to squeeze dinner, homework and reading into the evenings has become a challenge. We are definately staying busy and I suppose that's a good thing. On top of that I recently interviewed for a JOB!! I've always wanted to go back to work when Kayley started Kindergarten (which she just did), but after hearing about the one year deployment, I dropped that idea and decided it would be best to stay home. But a job opportunity came my way that couldn't have fit more perfectly into my (and the kid's) schedule, so I applied, have had one interview and go back for a second tomorrow. That's about all I will say about it now until I hear more. If I get it, great! If I don't, then I will know that God has other plans for me. I've prayed about it from day 1 and I know that it's in God's hands and He will put me where He wants me. So, we will see how that plays out and I will keep you all posted.

Late night tonight staying up to "nurse" my son's knee injury he got tonight at his first football scrimmage. I wanted to get as much ice on it as possible in the first 24 hours of the injury. I am hoping that will help the healing process and it isn't more serious. Knee injuries are the worst! Being as how my sister just had surgery on one of hers and it has not been an easy road! I'm just praying he just twisted it a bit and will be better after resting for the weekend. And more ice tomorrow. We shall see.

Strong Enough

I have been getting this from other people a lot lately regarding my husband's one year deployment, "I don't know how you do it, but I know I would not be able to what you do." I actually can't count how many people have said this too me lately. I have a confession to make. I am not strong and I actually can't do what I do on my own. It's way too overwhelming at times. But I am able to do it for two reasons:

#1) God. His strength, courage, comfort, love, peace, protection, grace and mercy.

#2) The wonderful people whom God has put into my life that support me, love me, help me and pray for my husband, my kids and me.

There would be no way I could go through this next year without God. I might be able to simply "make it" or "get by". But I don't want to just "make it". I can't imagine not having Him in my life right now.

Lately everytime I get into my car, this song is playing. And I have a feeling that it's not a coincidence. I'm not strong enough.

Emotional rollar coaster...

There are days when this deployment seems overwhelming and today is one of those days. Sometimes you go through so many different emotions in one day that you didn't know it was possible to be pulled in so many different directions.

So many people have commented to me about how wonderful the technology is today and how great it is that we we have skype, email, and instant messenger. But let me tell you, it's still not as good as the real thing! And sometimes those emails can be interpreted the wrong way. You can't tell the other persons "tone" or feeling behind an email and it causes some issues and miscommunication at times, which is hard to deal with.

There is also that stinking time difference. When I have time on my hands to chat with him, he is fast asleep and vice versa. And if I regularly receive an email from him at a certain time and a day goes by that I don't, I find myself worrying myself sick. He admits worrying about me when I don't send an email for awhile, too.

There are just days like today, that I'm tired of riding this emotional rollar coaster. It's then that I take a break and ask God to give me peace, to comfort both Jeremy and I and give us strength, and let us know He is in charge. Today shall pass, as will this next year. We will get through this and I have no doubt that we will be stronger. But it's not easy. God never promised us that life would be easy, only that He would be there to walk with us through our storms.